Pictured above: two texts commonly carried by a pair of cannabis missionaries recently arrested in Texas.
ALTRURIA, Texas — A pair of cannabis missionaries were arrested this past weekend in the small Texas town of Altruria, as the two men now face a possible death sentence for their actions.
The two Caucasian males, who were identified as nothing more than a pair of freelance preachers from Central Texas, face numerous charges after giving a passionate sermon on the lies and propaganda served to us daily as American citizens when it comes to the war on drugs.
“The Bible is crystal clear when it comes to cannabis: all the seeds of this earth are meant for the good. The NIV version of Genesis 1:29 clearly states, ‘Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.” When will this nation wake up? The choice is ours, and unfortunately we as a country have decided to continually lock up those fighting for an end to the war on drugs,” one of the self-proclaimed missionaries told the crowd prior to being arrested.
“Every day, just like those proclaiming a belief in Jesus as their Savior during the times of Christ, followers in this movement who hold an eternal belief in this miracle plant called cannabis are persecuted and executed due to outrageous laws written by ignorant men with the sole intention of destroying believers’ lives while also perusing persistent propaganda in this ongoing war on weed.”
And despite a rowdy applause from the crowd, both men were escorted off the stage in handcuffs after one of them proclaimed, “the only way to win this war is to end this war,” pulling out a pre-rolled joint from his back pocket and lighting up before his arrest.
Police later determined the “joint” was nothing more than pre-rolled tobacco, and following a thorough search, the two men were found to have no illegal substances or products in their possession.
Authorities did confiscate two texts from the group’s possession, a book both men carry with them religiously entitled “The Pot Book,” and local police have refused to return the books to the inmates.
Despite the two’s plea to the public to forgive the officers involved, an organized rally took place outside of the Altruria jail on Sunday evening, featuring a candlelight vigil and sounds of acoustic guitar playing throughout the night.
Both men remain in custody and will likely be transferred to a privately funded prison within the next few days, as a local judge has ruled the pair have violated numerous laws regardless of not being in possession of marijuana.
A lawyer for the men told the Tribune Herald that he plans to appeal the judge’s ruling and hopes to not only spare his clients from a prison sentence, but also a possible death penalty if placed before a conservative judge in Texas.
“My hope is to spare them from not only the bars and stranglehold of our prison system, but also the risk and reality of a possible death sentence for nothing more than teaching the world the truth about this plant,” attorney James Green said. “Until this nation truly wakes up, we will continue to watch cannabis martyrs die by the dozens. It’s time to end this failed and tragic war on drugs.”
If a judge does rule that the pair has violated strict new enforcements that began under George W. Bush and have continued ten-fold under the presidency of Barak Obama, Texas governor Rick Perry would have to sign off on an order for their execution.
However, based on Perry’s past views on marijuana and the war on drugs, his signature is all but a given if the judge rules the men guilty of the charges against them and orders them put to death.
An officer from the Altruria police department, who asked to not be identified due to an ongoing trial, said, “this is a prime example as to why this war must continue; these men were out telling crowds of people, with children in the audience for God-sake, that marijuana is safer than most products we consume on a daily basis. Is that really what we want our kids to be hearing?”
Phone calls to the Altruria chief of police and governor Perry’s office were not returned.
Stay tuned as details from this story continue to unfold.
This article is a satirical production by Scotty Redick. Redick may be reached via email at Scotty.Redick@gmail.com.
Tagged: Altruria, arrested, cannabis, Christians, death penalty, detained, God, marijuana, missionaries, pot, religion, satire, Scotty Redick, sermon, Texas
Tribune Herald 
To the anonymous officer: Yes, that is exactly what I would like our children to hear because it is a verifiable truth. You can consult any sound research on the subject and find the same answer again and again: marijuana poses virtually zero physiological threat and in fact possesses incredible medicinal properties. You can access a wealth of sound, peer-reviewed science on the subject at this website: http://americansforsafeaccess.org/section.php?id=218
Be well, and NO MORE DRUG WAR!
Well… joke’s on us folks. This is satire. Reading this article on mobile fortuitously hides that bit of information. Cheers!
DATED: SEP 6 1988
FRANCIS L. YOUNG, Administrative Law Judge
found…
14. By contrast, marijuana’s therapeutic ratio, like its LD-50, is impossible to quantify because it is so high.
15. In strict medical terms marijuana is far safer than many foods we commonly consume. For example, eating ten raw potatoes can result in a toxic response. By comparison, it is physically impossible to eat enough marijuana to induce death.
16. Marijuana, in its natural form, is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man. By any measure of rational analysis marijuana can be safely used within a supervised routine of medical care.”
Bingo!!! im with this person!!! ^^^^^^^^ the cop should be thrown in jail!!! Moms for Marijuana is a grassroots network and organization of parents and other citizens across the world who are concerned with the ignorant war that continues to be fought against the Cannabis (Hemp or Marijuana) plant, and how it is negatively affecting the future generations of this earth.
We focus on raising awareness, promoting education, and creating discussion regarding every variety and use of Cannabis. We stand together to demand that it is time to thoroughly research and openly discuss the numerous benefits of this plant.
It is Moms for Marijuana’s beliefs:
-That the Cannabis plant is a renewable, sustainable, and versatile resource that has been overlooked and distorted for too long. All around the world, the truth about Cannabis is being realized and it is time for our governments to start discussing and changing all Cannabis laws to reflect the will of the people.
-That our governments should research and utilize all the potential benefits of this plant, and encourage locally grown Cannabis products be made available to the public through a taxed and regulated market.
-That as with all drugs, Marijuana should not be used by developing minds under the age of legal consent, without parental guidance, as well as the recommendation and continous evaluation by a licensed medical physician.
-That the access our children have to the drug, Marijuana, can be drastically reduced through legalization and regulation. In order to keep this drug out of the hands of our kids, Marijuana needs to be taken off of streets and away from the black market.
-That our children should be educated on all aspects of Cannabis; from the thousands of medical, recreational, industrial, agricultural, environmental, spiritual, and economic benefits – to the repercussions, risks and history associated with the Cannabis plant.
Read “Marijuana Gateway to Health”
I see that the author managed to fool more than just me!!
“This article is a satirical production by Scotty Redick”
Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.
I LOVE that the first few comments are in support of the cannabis missionaries though!
Please come check out http://www.NORML.org if you’re not already involved and get active in your local chapter!
We’re winning this war for our minds and bodies, but we could use all the help we can get!
With all the real victims out there~ one would think there is no need to make fictitious ones.
WHY might they face the death penalty?? What in the world did they do that could be that bad?? What laws did they break that could deserve the death penalty?? Yes, we need to have open discussions about marijuana, around adults and children.. People need to be aware that it is not a terrible plant that will destroy your life but still needs to be respected and used properly by adults.. We need more information in this article..
Is this like the onion?
wow. stupid has no boundaries. YES, all children should know about cannabis. and especially if they have fcking cancer! Because it cures it! this is unfckingbelievable to me. this town, the police dept, that stupid governor all need to be arrested and thrown out with the bath water. so, what laws did they break? there were talking, so i guess they broke a ‘talking law’? wait, don’t we have ‘freedom of speech’???!!! they did nothing wrong. what? did they need a permit to talk? so without a permit you get put to death or thrown in jail?? this is insane. all eyes are on you! you idiots!
Just to clarify again:
“This article is a satirical production by Scotty Redick”
Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.
The fact that so many people actually BELIEVE this story is highly-indicative of the hypocrisies and cultural deceit caused by the drug war.
Get more involved at http://www.NORML.org and help us change the world!!
Yeah that’s what we want our children to hear because pot is way less dangerous than the pills this country trys to shove down your throat. The war on drugs is a miserable failure. It over crowds our prisons with people who had a plant. That’s all it is a plant. How can we jail people for something that grows naturally.
An officer from the Altruria police department, who asked to not be identified due to an ongoing trial, said, “this is a prime example as to why this war must continue; these men were out telling crowds of people, with children in the audience for God-sake, that marijuana is safer than most products we consume on a daily basis. Is that really what we want our kids to be hearing?”
Well since it is 100% the truth I think children really should hear it along with everyone else! These stupid Texas cops would rather have their kids to grow up to be alcoholics who beat there wives and kids just like they do.
Yes I think our children should hear this stuff. Marijuana has been getting a bad rap ever since reefer madness. The facts that were made were untrue and Marijuana has helped out way more people than it’s hurt. Even back in biblical times Marijuana was used to make clothes,rope and if you didn’t know it was also used to make holy oil. I don’t see how a plant with no recorded deaths can be illegal anyway. But the government lets them give you pills that they know are highly addictive and harm you more than it helps can be legal.Marijuana is the only plant i know where you can not only take it to relieve stress or pain. But you can make everything from cement to the shoes you have on your feet from one plant. I mean you can talk about every other religion and you have freedom of speech to even warn people about how alcohol is bad and cigarettes kill you but when you want to talk about the benefits of making a natural plant legal there’s a problem.
It is the Tree-Of-Life as spoken of in the Bible, read and see.
https://sites.google.com/site/cannabisconsumers/home
Lets see tobacco causes cancer, alcohol causes cirrhosis of the liver, and is responsible for many vehicle deaths as well as violent deaths. Yet they are legal and highly addictive! Soda causes osteoporosis! A McDonalds French fries has so much preservatives on it that it will not decay and ants will not eat it! Cannabis cures cancer, but because the government can’t profit from it, it is illegal!
I AM FROM Texas and there is no such town or no such law/ Though it is a joke to say pot is harmless don’t forget the proceeds of the sale goes to the Mexican Cartel that is definitely dangerous.
Cannabis grown in the USA doesn’t do anything to provide funds for Mexican Cartels. Mexican cartels are thriving because of the repressive draconian Marijuana laws in this country. The real joke is to think that pot is any more harmful than alcohol or tobacco; especially if your’d bother to read the reams of studies proving that.
Are yankees really ignorant enough to believe this? I’m from Texas and support legalization, but really guys? The death penalty? Come on… Stories like this serve no purpose but to divide the movement. I’m a proud Texas man and the fact that y’all yankees not only would print such outrageous lies about us, not to mention the fact some fools actually believe we are so barbaric, pisses me off.
We don’t need your help. Ok? Especially if your help includes arrogantly looking down on all of Texas.
apparently you do Clint, because the Texas public school system failed you! this is satire.
If you want to take a greqt deal from this post then you have to
apply such mesthods to your won webpage.
What’s up friends, how is all, annd what you would like to say concerning this post, in my view its iin fact amazing in favor of me.
Yet one more reason to be embarrassed to live in Texas….
Good article but now I am going to be up looking up Bible passages to see if that is what it really says about every plant and every seed.