Man spanks wet monkey in middle of Walmart


Police were called to a local Walmart after customers reported a man spanking his monkey while in the clothing section.

Upon arrival, police tackled Geraldo Santos after a brief chase and promptly charged him with evading arrest, disturbing the peace, and assault on an officer after he wiped a sticky substance in a responder’s face.

Witnesses at the scene described the event as deeply disturbing, with one woman stating “I was just standing there, looking at clothes when this man randomly jumped out of a rack near me and began spanking his monkey, sobbing the entire time and talking about just how hard it was.”

An employee, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that he had seen the store’s general manager do a lot of strange things, but nothing ever like this. “He’s asked me several times to pet his monkey before, and I felt very weirded out by it. When you only make $7.50 an hour, this is just too much to put up with!”

A spokesman for Walmart, Richard Johnson, has said the incident is under review, but speculates that after some expensive counseling and an increase in pay, they expect Santos to be back at work without issue. To help pay for the costs of the counseling and pay raise, Walmart says it will cut back hours for the store’s employees and lay off a few others who are making over an unnamed amount, citing the “high cost of low prices.”

No word on what the company plans to do about the atmosphere of despair in their stores.

Animal Control was successfully able to remove the monkey later on, which had slipped from their grasp several times before being beaten into submission. Officers suspect the monkey had gotten wet after playing in the family planning section.

By: George M. SpoonerGeorge may be reached via email at

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7 thoughts on “Man spanks wet monkey in middle of Walmart

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