8-year-old looking forward to free Halloween drugs

Local 8-year-old Michael Gruden is looking forward to Halloween this year after early reports that he should be on the lookout for drugs in his candy.

“The peanut-butter cups and Bit-O-Honeys are my favorites, but I was watching the news with my parents the other evening and apparently Halloween is going to be extra awesome this year after they told us that there would be free drugs in the candy,” stated Gruden.

Gruden’s father voiced concerns about the newscast.

“It worries me that they’re telling kids about this on TV,” he states. “So far we’ve been lucky and our kids haven’t heard these things in the news, but this year it’s really going to make Halloween tough for us. Last year our eldest daughter got some marijuana in her candy and we were able to score it from her bag before she noticed. Now we have to be more vigilant to ensure that we still get the free drugs this year and not our kids. Knowing how stingy they are, they’re probably not going to share if they find it first.” He added, “hopefully this year’s haul is better. Last year we just got that ditch weed, but you know, times are tough for some of the drug dealers out there. We’re looking for that premium cannabis, but I guess we could settle for some cocaine or meth.”

His son is already making plans for where he will visit later this month. According to Michael, “I’m going trick or treating in the middle class neighborhoods this year, maybe I’ll get some opiates, or maybe even heroin.”

Altruria Police Chief John Statten is urging parents to be hyper-vigilant this year.

“We’ve never received any reports of kids receiving drugs in their candy, nor have we seen any credible reports of this happening anywhere in the country, but you can never been too safe here,” Statten stated. “Parents should stay in a perpetual state of fear regarding this matter. In the end it will make all of us safer.”

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