Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill

Texas legislators successfully pass pro-life bill.

Texas legislators successfully pass pro-life bill.

Coming down to the final minute as Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst forced Sen. Wendy Davis to end her filibuster, the legislature was unable to pass a widely decried abortion bill. The legislature was able to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.

One Texas lawmaker joyously announced after the passing of the measure, “this marks a milestone for the pro-life movement! We must protect the unborn any way we can; I’m very proud that my fellow legislators voted to protect life, even in its earliest stages!”

The new measure will go into effect on January 1, 2014 which will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility.

New rules will also require men to sign an agreement when obtaining prescription erectile dysfunction medication which indicates they will not use the medicine for any purposes other than sexual intercourse with a woman.

Amendments added to the bill also require a permit to obtain and possess male sexual toys which could be used to assist people in violating the new law.

Those found in violation of the new law could be sentenced up to two years in prison.

Many legislators who voted in favor of the bill also voted in favor of a bill debated just prior to speed up executions in the state. Legislators were hopeful they would be able to have time to pass another bill which would have nullified Obamacare, the federal legislation in which many are decrying as government getting in between people and their doctor and making healthcare decisions for people.

By: George M. Spooner
George may be contacted via email at tribuneheraldnews@gmail.com

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

207 thoughts on “Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill

  1. teri June 26, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply

    Wouldn’t this bill indicate that the senate agrees that life begins even before conception and now that the “moment that life begins” question has been answered it now makes abortion illegal because they have agreed that a human life starts before conception while still in the fathers testicular and there for that life has rights?

    • Munshma Qchi June 27, 2013 at 11:06 am Reply

      Wouldn’t it make all male fetuses (according to burgess) criminals since they’re alive and masturbating in the womb?

      • Hope June 28, 2013 at 12:15 am

        Male fetuses don’t masturbate. Not sure where you got that but not true at all.

      • pierre June 28, 2013 at 6:31 am

        yes, male AND female fetuses start to masturbate around week 22-26 in the womb !

      • robert June 28, 2013 at 5:13 pm

        THIS is what lawmakers are spending their time/rescources on,seriously?is ther not more pressing issues out there than this that lawmakers could be wasting their time/my tax dollars on?SERIOUSLY??

      • John Ahrens July 1, 2013 at 3:01 pm

        My question on the male fetus masturbation issue… if these politicians are in possession of images or videos of male fetuses masturbating, and they consider life beginning at conception, aren’t they guilty of being in possession of child pornography… and, for that matter, wouldn’t that make doctors producers of child porn?

      • Dennis July 4, 2013 at 12:35 pm

        > THIS is what lawmakers are spending their time/rescources on,seriously?

        Not this, specifically. This is what a spoof writer spent his time on.

        For a vision of lawmakers actually operating on this level, check out Ohio’s Viagra games. (Which are about as funny as a more straightforward spoof, granted. Suppose the legislature was feeling whimsical and the Viagra thing passed? Talk about a no-winners game. About the only reasonable encore would be to engage in hand-to-hand combat, armed with a grenade. Humans rock.)

      • Dave Branch July 6, 2013 at 10:31 pm

        to those doubters, a 3D ulrasound of Mr. Happy in utero! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gdAxJkzhnc

    • pete philbin June 27, 2013 at 2:44 pm Reply

      Does this mean Texas prohibits the last lick like last clear chance in tort law

    • Thomas Ross June 28, 2013 at 1:50 pm Reply

      Fetuses do masturbate, but not to orgasm, and even if they did no sperm would be coming out. You’re not a criminal until puberty. :-)

      • hugh.jorgan.inurmamma@hotmail.com July 2, 2013 at 11:41 am

        lrn2sex… you don’t need to orgasm to produce sperm. as soon as the fetus has testes he has sperm.. he is a dirty WANKER!

      • CarlyJ August 26, 2013 at 8:40 pm

        hugh, did you fail human reproduction in biology?

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:41 pm Reply

      It is COMPLETELY satirical! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

      • M June 30, 2013 at 6:54 pm

        It it a sign of the times that there’s even a remote chance this is taken at face value

      • Ig July 1, 2013 at 3:10 pm

        I thought this report was fake for the same ‘margin headlines’ reason. But, what about the one regarding Tebow? Some truth must lie within.

    • babyowl53 June 29, 2013 at 11:22 pm Reply

      @teri…..you’re kidding right? I certainly hope so or there is more stupid people out there than I originally thought.

    • Liz Mitchell July 1, 2013 at 11:52 am Reply

      “Every sperm is sacred”…Thank you, Monty Python!

  2. Teri Anderson June 26, 2013 at 6:51 pm Reply

    Hey Teri, you have a point and I bet that is why they did that! Makes sense now, they are just trying to trump the filibuster by getting around the abortion law this way to make it still illegal. Interesting! I really think it’s stupid though because men are the one’s who invented masturbation and they’re the ones who will regret the law! LMAO!

    • Munshma Qchi June 27, 2013 at 10:58 am Reply

      Men invented masturbation? That’s like saying females invented breathing. You do realize that even wild animals masturbate right?

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:40 pm Reply

      It is COMPLETELY satirical! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

  3. antisoccermom June 26, 2013 at 7:16 pm Reply

    Satire… Ahh…. you got me.

  4. mike June 26, 2013 at 8:09 pm Reply

    With Sharpie write on palm of hand, “A woman”.

  5. Ian June 26, 2013 at 8:42 pm Reply

    Wouldn’t that make menstration illegal since an egg is a zygote just like a sperm? That’s ridiculous! So gay Men can’t buy ED medicine? Also how will they enforce this law? I don’t live in Texas but I’m pretty sure public masterbation is already illegal so will they bust down doors to try to catch guys playing with themselves. Are people seriously this stupid?

    • Teri Anderson June 26, 2013 at 8:43 pm Reply

      I actually think this is a satirical article, I’ve heard nothing of it anywhere else

    • Munshma Qchi June 27, 2013 at 11:07 am Reply

      Egg is not a zygote. Neither is a sperm. They are bothe gametes that, when together form a zygote.

  6. Ray186 June 26, 2013 at 10:02 pm Reply

    You got me. I was just about to Google this.

  7. Leona Jones June 27, 2013 at 1:05 am Reply

    So what happens to men who have had a vascetomy? Do they get to masturbate all they want or do they go to prison for cutting off the sperm flow?

    • stormkite June 29, 2013 at 1:24 pm Reply

      Vasectomies are inherently illegal. Doctors found to have performed them will be shot as accessories to mass murder.

      • John Owen July 20, 2013 at 11:50 pm

        its not mass murder its genocide

  8. Yeoman Roman June 27, 2013 at 2:26 am Reply

    Sad part of this is, given the subject and the state, one could imagining this happening. That is Texas for you. :(

  9. Billy Holder June 27, 2013 at 6:05 am Reply

    Guess they forgot Lawrence v Texas already. Its only been 10 years. What happens in the bedroom is none of the GOVT business withholding acts of harm and other crimes committed. This law is unconstitutional and will not pass the muster of a legal challenge
    .

  10. massugu June 27, 2013 at 9:45 am Reply

    Huh? Please, pleeease tell me this is a hoax! (And these are the same guys who say they want smaller government?)

    I guess this will be another role for the Department of Homeland Security–the Pecker Police? I can see it now, men in body armor breaking in my door then “Sorry sir, you’ll have to come with us, our surveillance drone caught you through yer window. You were touching yer willie in an inappropriate manner.”

    And of course, they’ll have to incarcerate the mothers of all those masturbating male fetuses as well–at least while said fetuses are pre-partum.

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:39 pm Reply

      It is COMPLETELY satirical! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

  11. Richard Tingley June 27, 2013 at 3:10 pm Reply

    Where is the Bill number and title. I have looked and can’t find anything. So I say not a really story. Lib paper.

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:28 pm Reply

      I really hope your comment is planted & fake. It’s not a liberal paper you idiot. IT’S NOT EVEN REAL! IT’S A JOKE! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

      If you can’t tell that it’s a spoof, them you’re a freaking idiot!

      • Monster Foot Studios (@monsterfootstu) July 9, 2013 at 11:55 am

        Uh… not to mention what it says just below the Twitter feed:

        “Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.”

        Not 100% sure, but I’d say that’s a dead giveaway.

  12. Coretalless June 27, 2013 at 3:47 pm Reply

    Don’t forget about the female period when an egg is aborted from the body because it wasn’t fertilized in time.

    • Richard Tingley June 27, 2013 at 4:46 pm Reply

      Not trying to say it is the same are you?

    • David June 27, 2013 at 10:52 pm Reply

      You have a great point Coretalless

      • Richard Tingley June 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm

        No he doesn’t.

    • S.C. July 10, 2013 at 11:35 am Reply

      Eggs don’t leave the body… What comes out is the lining of the uterus.

  13. Wendy June 27, 2013 at 11:12 pm Reply

    Are you kidding me??? I guess every man in Texas is gonna be breaking the law!!!! What’s next? If I ovulate and don’t get pregnant then I’m breaking the law??? How stupid is this. A sperm isn’t a. “Life”. It’s only 1 cell and only has half of the required DNA to make a. “Life “!!!

    • Teri Anderson June 27, 2013 at 11:40 pm Reply

      LOL it’s so funny to hear everyone get so upset about this as it’s just a satirical pun on the anti abortion law in the first place.

    • stormkite June 29, 2013 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Yup. Hope you like green bologna sammiches.

  14. Liz Buddie (@lizbuddie) June 28, 2013 at 3:27 am Reply

    Geez. I can’t believe how many of times people post this shit. This blog makes up dumb IMAGINARY stuff that mostly GOP in Texas supposedly did, and people fall for it. Smh. Don’t know who that reflects worse upon, gullible people or the GOP.

  15. Jessika June 28, 2013 at 6:01 am Reply

    So what next is ovulating without conceptions gonna be illegal.. Every month a women flushes there in fertilized egg down the towlet. Lol

    • Jessika June 28, 2013 at 6:02 am Reply

      Unfertilized egg**

  16. Lee June 28, 2013 at 7:48 am Reply

    The fine print on this page: “Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.”

  17. Tom Coleman June 28, 2013 at 10:40 am Reply

    Are you serious? What is it with these Texas legislators trying to make laws for the male and female body? They are there to make laws for the good of the people, though I am sure they would twist that around to suit their needs. It says no masterbation, but nothing was said about oral sex…lol…..Texas has become the laughing stock of the nation and world…

    • Richard July 4, 2013 at 9:01 am Reply

      No Tom, you are the laughing stock of the world. Only an idiot would think this was a real news story. Wait, that’s probably an insult to idiots.

  18. andrew mcginn June 28, 2013 at 12:04 pm Reply

    Given the vast numbers of wankers in Texas, where are they going to put them all? Is there enough prison places?

  19. Gina June 28, 2013 at 2:19 pm Reply

    They’re joking, right? This is satire?

    … Please let this be satire….

  20. jack meoff June 28, 2013 at 3:38 pm Reply

    this is literally the most retarded thing ive ever read. im going to jack off right now just in spite of this

  21. Randall Lord June 28, 2013 at 5:29 pm Reply

    Is Texas going to outlaw condoms next?

  22. Terry Wilkerson June 28, 2013 at 6:04 pm Reply

    The TAGS below the article are very interesting, especially the one that says, “SATIRE”, which means this is a JOKE.

  23. Jeff Carl June 29, 2013 at 3:54 am Reply

    Sad thing is that people believe it b/c they think TX is capable of it due to recent events. It shows how far separated the govt is from the people in TX.

  24. Laura Mae Benson June 29, 2013 at 6:27 am Reply

    OK….this IS a joke…right?

  25. shadow stroker June 29, 2013 at 7:19 am Reply

    Perhaps we can go to Austin and have a protest at the capital.The Million Man jerk off.Please bring your own lotions,toys and wet wipes.

  26. David McBrayer June 29, 2013 at 9:37 am Reply

    You know it is funny. A lot of people take this serious reason being we have lawmakers all over that you couldn’t put this shit past. Seems these assholes just want to make all kinds of bullshit laws. You cant legislate something like this. We are from Texas. We love shooting our guns…..lol. Guess I would be penis enemy #1. I could just see the prison overcrowding. #1 because everyone was jacking off or #2 because people needed to jack off….LOL.

  27. Holden June 29, 2013 at 11:24 am Reply

    It seems like it’s an inadvertent way to ban Gay Sex, as two men having sex is pretty much “not making a sperm donation” or “not having sex with a woman.” I’m curious if Gay sex will be illegalized, as well.

  28. Melissa June 29, 2013 at 12:15 pm Reply

    How does a masturbation ban mark a milestone for the pro life movement?? That is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

  29. fredamae June 29, 2013 at 12:24 pm Reply

    Hopefully-satire or not—How far off is this from a future
    reality when one considers the “Depth of the GOP mind”? :)

    • fredamae June 29, 2013 at 12:25 pm Reply

      Not “hopefully” it becomes real, but rather gets folks Thinking about how far this Could go—

  30. Joseph Miller June 29, 2013 at 3:29 pm Reply

    How the hell are Texans supposed to enforce tht kind of law? Why just having hands is illegal, because many men use their hands to masturbate, without the use of sex toys. I can just see it now. You shoot a load at home, and then you hear a knock on the door and have the police come and say, you’re under arrest for masturbating. That’s not gonna happen.

  31. NONE YOUR DAMN BUSINESS June 29, 2013 at 3:46 pm Reply

    OMG OMG really !
    masturbation is healthy for men as well as woman (yes even though they don’t admit it women do it ) a man needs to ejaculate at least three times a week for health and well being.
    that’s a proven study.

    what are they gonna do put cameras in every house.. hell the prison population just went up in that case.

    registration for Viagra or similar really that’s 1 an outright invasion of privacy. 2. that put gay men who need it out of the equastion. they have sex lives too.

    I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WE PAY THESE PEOPLE FOR THIS. I WANT MY MONEY BACK

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:35 pm Reply

      It is COMPLETELY satirical! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

  32. mcfudge June 29, 2013 at 4:06 pm Reply

    Hello people: “Tribune Herald is for SATIRICAL PURPOSES ONLY” :)

  33. Rick F June 29, 2013 at 5:32 pm Reply

    I can’t believe the comments here. Does no one understand satire or is the liberal left as intellectually brain dead as the radical right?

  34. Carl Goss June 29, 2013 at 5:33 pm Reply

    Every sperm is sacred!

  35. Beacon of Aquarius June 29, 2013 at 7:07 pm Reply

    Reblogged this on Beacon of Aquarius and commented:
    Posted by Beacon of Aquariud June 29 2013

  36. Christopher Steele June 29, 2013 at 7:37 pm Reply

    First of all, I hope the Satire word being used here is true, because, (Deep Breath) 1. How is self gratification Pro-Life? 2. Cutting off a mans form of self-release is not a wise idea. 3. Giving the women the entire sexual power will put “SOME”, not all, but some of them that WILL OF COURSE use it to their control and advantage, and would only put them in a dangerous spot. 4. You all should have passed the bill for speedy Executions, because the only thing going up would be sexual assaults and rapes. I cannot find the humor or brains of this satire. seems intellectually stupid.

    • C. E. June 29, 2013 at 8:32 pm Reply

      It is COMPLETELY satirical! Did you even read the other story headlines in the margin?

      “Houston Astros sign little league pitcher, may promote him to majors this season”

      “Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor”

      “Umpire ruins little leaguer’s shot at majors”

      “Man’s life saved by glass pipe, dies in custody after arrest for paraphernalia”

  37. Grimloc June 29, 2013 at 8:47 pm Reply

    really??..this is what the Texas legislature is concerned with?…it’s no wonder people say Texas is so low in intelligence..of all things to consider masturbation is at the top along with killing criminals..wow….does that mean thier wives(legislators) can longer longer stimulate them either?…well won’t they be happy about that……I wasn’t aware Texas legislation was run by angels or Unics…or???does that men women too?…try stopping the human being from being human…dumb asses

  38. Dan Gaylord June 29, 2013 at 9:08 pm Reply

    OMG! Glad I read all comments! I live in Dallas! You don’t know how wackadoodle many people and especially our politicians, ok Republican politicians are here in Texas. I believed this because they ARE that nutty to do something like this!!!!

    • Derp July 1, 2013 at 6:41 am Reply

      Dan, democrats actually did ban large bottles of soda in NYC and are thinking about banning sparklers. I don’t think you know what wackadoodle means…

    • frazierdp July 1, 2013 at 4:43 pm Reply

      Okay so Dan, here’s your chance. With so many smart, cool, iconoclastic and independent-minded Texans, how come y’all handed the state over to this gang of mouth-breathing galoots?

  39. Rosemary Robertson June 29, 2013 at 9:12 pm Reply

    OMG! I know that Texas can’t secede from the Union but can we kick them out?
    It looks like masturbation is another thing to add to the list of things they don’t seem to be able to get right.

  40. […] via Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill. […]

  41. umadbrah June 29, 2013 at 11:15 pm Reply

    Let me get this straight. You’re telling me, I CAN’T PLAY WITH MY WIENER IF I VISIT TEXAS???

  42. babyowl53 June 29, 2013 at 11:25 pm Reply

    I can’t believe that Texas legislature has nothing better to do that some a ridiculous bill like this….then again, Texas did produce baby bush….maybe that is why they want a bill like this. Makes perfect sense now…..LOL

    • John Owen July 21, 2013 at 12:02 am Reply

      for the record George bush fucktard was born in New Haven, Connecticut.

  43. Peter Feldstein June 29, 2013 at 11:35 pm Reply

    This is really from the Onion, right? No one is THAT stupid.

  44. Erwin Haeresis Blonk June 30, 2013 at 3:06 am Reply

    New rule: when you post satire about the GoP don’t make it something they could actually do. Although it is hard to make up something more batshit crazy then what they come up with on a daily basis.

    • B. July 1, 2013 at 3:55 am Reply

      Except they would never ever do this because it’s only women whose rights they want to take away.

  45. flexdoc June 30, 2013 at 7:24 am Reply

    The reason its so hard to peg this as satire is that its Texas and this is totally possible.

  46. […] via Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill | Tribune Herald. […]

  47. Cappychuck June 30, 2013 at 12:26 pm Reply

    Nice to know that they aren’t wasting their time in office passing frivolous and unenforcable laws. Why do I have a strong urge to send all of them a fleshlight?!

    I can just imagine the conversation in prison:
    “What’re you in for?”
    “I touched myself…”

    Texas gun control. Yeehaw!

  48. CappyChook June 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm Reply

    Sure glad they aren’t wasting their time passing frivolous, unenforcable laws down there. Is this red neck sharia law? Texas ‘gun’ control?
    I’d hate to be the one guy sent to prison for two years for this one. Nothing like getting pounded in the pooper for a couple years to teach you that touching yourself is against some religious fanatics dogmatic beliefs.
    Why do I have the urge to send all of these ass wipes a fleshlight?

  49. Arnold Livingston June 30, 2013 at 11:38 pm Reply

    The GOP’s new theme song? – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk

  50. Jemma Rose July 1, 2013 at 2:04 am Reply

    that’s like making periods illegal since you’re losing half a baby every month

  51. B. July 1, 2013 at 3:51 am Reply

    why would anyone think this is real? when have pro-lifers ever tried to fuck with men’s rights??? no they only view women as non-human beings and wish to violoate their rights and bodies.

  52. Nicole McClellan July 1, 2013 at 6:56 am Reply

    this would be funny if I didn’t live in Texas

  53. Troy July 1, 2013 at 1:04 pm Reply

    Thank God I don’t live in Texas. I would be in real trouble!

  54. Daniel Carey July 1, 2013 at 1:49 pm Reply

    Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only… bottom of right column.

  55. Jack July 1, 2013 at 2:38 pm Reply

    Lesbians beware

  56. david July 1, 2013 at 3:09 pm Reply

    What a great way to save on spot/stain removal from inner/outee ware!

  57. Rick July 1, 2013 at 3:13 pm Reply

    Different strokes for different folks??? :-p

  58. Damon July 1, 2013 at 4:28 pm Reply

    Good Lord, can this State and country get anymore ridiculous!?? smh

  59. Danny Adams July 1, 2013 at 4:30 pm Reply

    Keep it classy, Texas.

  60. frazierdp July 1, 2013 at 4:41 pm Reply

    Getting tough to tell what’s satire these days….

  61. Crystal July 1, 2013 at 4:43 pm Reply

    I find it hilarious. News flash retards in Texas the sperm dies and is reabsorbed if he don’t ejaculate. Therefor, you accomplished nothing but over populating your prison and breaking constitutional law. roflmao

  62. Crystal July 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm Reply

    New rules will also require men to sign an agreement when obtaining prescription erectile dysfunction medication which indicates they will not use the medicine for any purposes other than sexual intercourse with a woman.<— anti gay, can we say wolf in sheep's clothing.

  63. Todd vetter July 1, 2013 at 4:54 pm Reply

    You mean to tell me Texas is willing to give me a job and all I have to do is masturbate every day? Fucking sweet sign me up. Hey America….. Texas is offering free room and bord! All you have to do is jerk off for a free apartment and free food at the tax payers will provide you rent and food! This is better than welfare!

  64. Todd vetter July 1, 2013 at 4:59 pm Reply

    I’m eager to earn my two year rent free apartment and free meals for spilling my load. I’m sending all my homeless homies to Texas. Apparently they can afford us!

  65. Matt Romero July 1, 2013 at 6:04 pm Reply

    this is fucking stupid

  66. longpatterned (@longpatterned) July 1, 2013 at 8:24 pm Reply

    Life begins recursively.

  67. Mitzi Hammond Perkins July 1, 2013 at 9:34 pm Reply

    Is it just me, or is there something not quite right about this? Does this mean there must be a funeral if a man violates the law? Are women who are unwilling or unable to service the men, accessories after the fact? Does the local Catholic Church have to make more of those little crosses? Are nighttime ejaculations during sleep just misdemeanors? And are all those masturbating fetuses to be charge with a crime upon birth?

  68. greenspirituality July 1, 2013 at 10:33 pm Reply

    This is supposed to be a satirical article. It’s even advertised as such. Funny how many gullible people are out there. The author is using exaggeration and sarcasm to try and call the GOP hypocrites.
    However, the last little bit about Obamacare does not apply. Pro-lifers also believe that a woman should be in charge of her own body and medical decisions. However, they ALSO believe that a woman’s wants should not trump her child’s needs. That’s the whole argument about when life starts… when do their needs start and count as relevant?
    In the meantime, the abortion industry is super-corrupt and super-rich. Did you know that the doctors cannot legally tell a woman what they are doing in her body when she has an abortion? Which makes no sense. In any other surgery, they’ll tell you step-by-step, in as much detail as you wish. But abortion? Women can’t know what these doctors are doing. How is this women’s rights?

  69. Chuck Miller July 2, 2013 at 2:49 am Reply

    This is too absurd to be true, but just barely.

  70. Cynthia July 2, 2013 at 7:32 am Reply

    You guys did all see the “Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.” on the side, right?? LOL though these days, I wouldn’t be surprised if some hare brain tried to pull this off!!!

  71. Jose Pelon July 2, 2013 at 7:57 am Reply

    This but not that! They won’t let Tesla sell EV Cars in Texas. At least they are trying . . . . I guess the ten gallon hat does have a lot to do with water on the brain!

  72. concnrered citized July 2, 2013 at 9:37 am Reply

    Human life starts the moment you get arounsed. If you have an ermection, you have millions humans waiting to join us in god’s glory. Please donnot waste the humans in showers, bathrooms or mouths, put them where they are supposed to be and give the buggers a chanec.

    • ryan July 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm Reply

      Men constantly can produce sperm cells. They will never run out in a physically normal male. Plus the actual sperm cells are not created as soon as a man has a erection. They are constantly proliferated his entire life. For humans, entire process of spermatogenesis takes 74 days. Including the transport on ductal system, it takes 3 months. Testes produce 200 to 300 million sperms daily. With your logic can anyone say overpopulation. It only takes one of these sperms with correct timing with a female ovum (egg) to make life. So please do not blame the males semen for not reproducing. Why is it then the female period is not illegal. By your logic this is a wasted egg, which are limited in females (i.e. menopause), should women then be forced by law to have sex at every ovulation so that life cannot be missed. I mean this is the way we are made.

  73. SCOTT FREE July 2, 2013 at 9:42 am Reply

    IN CALIFORNIA WE TOUCH OURSELVES WHILE SMOKING POT……..

  74. Phoenix July 2, 2013 at 9:53 am Reply

    What stupidity- time wasted by the conservative control freaks…. SO now if a women with holds sex from a man over an extended time, they live together, pay bills together and married/not married… could this be Reckless abandonment by the female and the male can sue the female denial of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. To think that Tx creates most of the high school text books for the entire country….Mass Exodus from Texas…there is gonna be lots of frustrated men in Tx cum(grin) January …I can see Masturbating Speak Eases opening up all over Texas….come in for a quick wank… sorry Hun that I am late…I got caught up and lost track of time. LMAO

  75. hugh.jorgan.inurmamma@hotmail.com July 2, 2013 at 11:45 am Reply

    so i suppose the porno version of ‘fist of fury’ (‘fist a furry’) will now be considered a snuff film?

  76. ronjamin July 2, 2013 at 1:02 pm Reply

    what about blowjobs?

    • Mitzi Hammond Perkins July 3, 2013 at 2:06 pm Reply

      Cannibalism

  77. Kelvin July 2, 2013 at 6:06 pm Reply

    I foresee a study going to be done looking at the decrease in masturbation vs the increase in reported rape cases.

  78. Satire July 2, 2013 at 9:43 pm Reply

    Man people do not read….llllllllllloooooooooolllllllllllll

  79. […] was able to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation. Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill (Tribune […]

  80. MonicaW July 3, 2013 at 8:50 am Reply

    points to the right “Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only.”

  81. Markm July 3, 2013 at 10:23 am Reply

    These people have their head up their ass!

    • noko July 22, 2013 at 6:59 am Reply

      Maybe they like the view?

  82. jfont July 3, 2013 at 10:25 am Reply

    The Texas legislature has now proven that they are a joke!

  83. Sérgio Oliveira (@burnout_pt) July 3, 2013 at 11:07 am Reply

    So many questions… are wet dreams excluded/allowed? Will oral become a crime now too? What about gay rights, they don’t “procriate” and sure don’t just hold hands… what a joke.

  84. Hazel July 3, 2013 at 11:54 am Reply

    Ok… dumb people… let us just do without sex except for reproduction purposes. Sperm does not have a soul… A fetus does.

  85. […] to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.” Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill (Tribune […]

  86. Sean Lowrey July 3, 2013 at 2:41 pm Reply

    Going to publicly masturbate on the steps of the capital building in protest. What happens if I’m caught mid rub-n-tug, but had no intention of finishing? What if I just wanted to flick the tip a little? Is that a misdemeanor? Maybe a stiff warning, or fine?

  87. Holly July 3, 2013 at 2:59 pm Reply

    what about if a man is in the shower? he should be able to at least make sure it’s clean and can make sure by washing it as long and as fast as he wants to…..

  88. Kelly July 3, 2013 at 4:26 pm Reply

    This is completely silly. The pro-life activists want to protect life in its earliest form masturbating is illegal? That makes no sense. This is a huge violation of rights. Anyone who is using donated sperm to conceive probably isn’t going to want to abort the fetus. Secondly, if they are saying that sperm is life then any time someone does ejaculate then are they charged with murder? This is so ridiculous that I can’t even see one thing to say that makes sense of it. Texas… Jeez!!

  89. pictsidhe July 3, 2013 at 5:07 pm Reply

    Damn, so many replies from people who scrolled past all those comments saying this is satire, that’s even scarier than the article

  90. TrollKicker July 3, 2013 at 6:33 pm Reply

    Everything on the internet is real…. *le sigh*

  91. seriously? July 3, 2013 at 6:55 pm Reply

    It’s always a good idea to read some comments before you post.

  92. CJSmith July 3, 2013 at 10:38 pm Reply

    Well, now they need to make menstruation illegal now too, because every month a woman aborts an egg….I guess that means FREE IUDs for all the ladies!

  93. Jim Nasium July 4, 2013 at 4:03 am Reply

    I was planning on visiting Texas as a foreign tourist. Since I have had a vasectomy does this mean I can choke my chicken all I want?
    I do not ejaculate sperm but prefer to keep them. Yes, every sperm is sacred.
    I like doing so with toys and for the price of a Cialis pill here at about 60 cents I use them when having a wank as well.
    Can I get then a letter of pardon from the governors office to wank all I want there while on vacation. Seems as if I would be mixing with a like crowd as they all sound like a bunch of wankers.

    • Marq July 31, 2013 at 3:57 pm Reply

      In all seriousness, I would NOT visit Texas unless you are planning to stay in urban areas like Dallas/Fort Worth, Austin, Houston, San Antonio or El Paso.

      If you get sick while you’re visiting in Texas, you’re basically on your own; if it’s a life-threatening illness, it’s entirely possible that a hospital won’t treat you since you don’t have health insurance. Be advised that the KKK and militias have a LARGE presence, especially in the Panhandle and East Texas; a fair number of people have guns and will shoot first and ask questions later. If you’re gay, a person of color, a non-fundamentalist Christian or a non-Christian, just stay out of the Panhandle, the Southern Plains, and East Texas. If you’re visiting from Europe, be advised that a Republican in Texas is very much like a National Front party member in Europe.

      Our average high temperature at the beginning of August ranges from 37ºC in Austin and San Antonio to 38ºC in Dallas/Fort Worth and 39ºC in Wichita Falls. Our evenings lows are around 25ºC. The barbecue and the Mexican food are great.

  94. Jane Stewart July 4, 2013 at 8:35 am Reply

    Or were they trying to legalize rape? If a guy cannot woo a woman to his bed what then is he do? So will Texas has Sex Police? Who is going from home to home checking to see who is masturbating? Idiots!

  95. Erik July 4, 2013 at 5:42 pm Reply

    So then they should make a females Period illegal because they are destroying the egg. right?

  96. […] to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.” Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill (Tribune […]

  97. Verlin Goforth July 5, 2013 at 2:48 pm Reply

    Your state is sure made up of some dumb people….

  98. dopeazphuk July 6, 2013 at 9:00 am Reply

    Has male masturbation been proven to cause cancer in the state of CA?

  99. […] much for TX being the last bastion of freedom…. Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill | Tribune Herald No conspiracy theory for this one. No agenda. I just think everyone has simply lost their phucking […]

  100. modernhaiku575 July 7, 2013 at 2:33 am Reply

    This kinda makes male homosexuality illegal too, doesn’t it? Unless there’s no evacuation involved…

  101. […] With all other more important issues such as the collapsing economy, wars, unemployment, American wealth being siphoned from the 99% to the 1% who control the U.S. government, the Grand Old Vagina Party is making headway on only one issue: VAGINAS…(and a hat-tip to MASTURBATION) […]

  102. Alexmallinson July 7, 2013 at 11:01 pm Reply

    Lmao so guns are legal and wanking isnt, So much for land if the free…

  103. peppermintfancy July 8, 2013 at 12:47 pm Reply

    …so…the dude in the tent, recent Viagra commercial, is really a woman now.

    Good grief, it might seem a victory to be able to claim no man can masturbate under the influence of a certain prescription, but who would want to rally against masturbation???

  104. ryan July 8, 2013 at 1:03 pm Reply

    Unlike the female ovaries that have a predetermined number of egg cells, the male testes are always reproducing more (spermatogenesis). So if the reasoning follows that every sperm cell that can provide life with proper fertilization is life. Then just just being a male that constantly makes and destroys sperm cells should be illegal. On a side note if a man never practices then, I hope you ladies like pre-mature ejaculation, which logically would also boarder on legality.

  105. Bryon Rushing July 9, 2013 at 10:02 am Reply

    so, no wacking the willie anymore? no choking the chicken anymore in TX? lol you Stupid Bastards

  106. […] the Grand Old Vagina Party is making headway on only one issue: VAGINAS…(and a hat-tip to MASTURBATION). Gonads in general are first and foremost on their legislative minds, but especially vaginas. They […]

  107. Enrique C. Charette July 9, 2013 at 9:10 pm Reply

    Please excuse the flow of thoughts.
    What about homosexual males. Make masturbation is apart of that type of sexual experience.
    Also suppose that the males in question already have have sex toys how are they to get permits for those toys?

    Being that I’m a young homosexual male, 22, do you think that the government actually fully thought about the repo cushions of passing a bill of this measure? The way people were trained to think about how the government they are supposed stay out side the home of its citizens. This is going against free will which is the basses of human rights. The only hose to further the suspect that the church is trying tighten it’s hold on the government.
    I know this is far fetched but if things like this continue people in the lgbt community might be shot on sight, women who don’t want kinds may be forced to “have their tubes tided.” This could cause psychopathic women and men just like the ones that killed an innocent man in a movie titled “The Mist”.
    This is not acceptable and should have never crossed onto desk of anyone in legistration to begin with. If they do this what could be next.
    Sorry for the ranting but if you could please help me with the questions stated earlier, it would be greatly appreciated.

  108. mjg July 10, 2013 at 3:32 am Reply

    How freaking stupid! Are they going to make female masturbation illegal next? WHO is going to tell they masturbated.

    “Officer, I masturbated this morning.” GEEZUS!! STUPIDITY

  109. cherrymommax3 July 10, 2013 at 11:28 am Reply

    People this a joke and not a real news website SMH!!!

  110. Bob Dangoman July 10, 2013 at 1:26 pm Reply

    Well, I’m officially starting my Texas vacation fund, so I can say for the rest of my life that I broke the law seventeen times in one day using only my dick

  111. […] hổ báo rồi. Jap ko thiếu mấy loại này huống hồ là ở VN. BTW: I'm so lucky for not living in Texas Reply With […]

  112. Chris anderson July 12, 2013 at 5:19 pm Reply

    Sadly many people in UK would believe some US states would actually pass this sort of legislation! Thank goodness it’s a funny.

  113. […] some tell me is this a joke or actually really happening Texas legislature fails on abortion, passes masturbation bill | Tribune Herald Texas to ban male masturbation under pro-life legislation and the penalty is up to 2 years in […]

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  116. John Chester July 26, 2013 at 10:59 pm Reply

    This bill (if real) IS legislative masturbation!!!
    The Texas Legislature must, now ALL be locked up!
    Halleluiah!!!

  117. John Chester July 26, 2013 at 11:02 pm Reply

    How about f**king livestock?

  118. Marq July 31, 2013 at 3:49 pm Reply

    The very best satire is grounded in reality. Those of us who live in Texas know it would not be beyond the overreaching scope of the Texas Legislature to do something like pass a law outlawing male masturbation.

    Texas is what happens when Teahadists and Dominionists take control of a state legislature.

  119. Nancy W August 2, 2013 at 10:15 am Reply

    I know it’s a satire, but would not put ANYTHING past those morons in Austin!

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  121. Thomas Carley September 19, 2013 at 9:18 pm Reply

    How exactly will they police this idiot idea? Have police outside everybody’s home?

    • Marq September 20, 2013 at 11:19 pm Reply

      We plan to have two way recording mirrors installed in all the homes in Texas. This way, we can monitor individual behavior and punish male masturbaters, men and women who engage in homosexual behavior, as well as heterosexual couples who engage in non-missionary position sex or missionary position sex which does not include the possibility of procreation.

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  122. ananomys September 20, 2013 at 9:40 am Reply

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  123. […] une nouvelle mesure établira comme illégales différentes formes de masturbation masculine, comme le rapporte le Herald Tribune. Exception sera faite pour les donneurs de […]

  124. […] there is Texas. I really do wish they would secede. Just earlier this year, a new bill was passed which takes effect on January 1, 2014. This bill will “make many forms of male […]

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    I guess my friends in Texas will have to leave the state if they decide to pull a fast one….. Hate to be a Jerk, but this story pulls “me at” the root of the issue….. Breaking news johnSon & Johnson makers of Jerkin hand cream expects a stiff downward pull on their stock values with the passing of this flaccid and limp bill… Tonight the voting brought stiff and vigorous movement and loud slapping of hands while the filibuster held a tight grip on the subject……. A quote from long time Texas Mr. Richard “Dick” Pullmore complained that this new law would create a hardship to many whom already suffer from a lack of opportunity and it will create a very “blue” environment in Houston just below the area know as the Beltline… A area Expected to be hit the hardest by the lack of government approved stimulus to the area..
    Navy officials, when asked how this new law might effect them, we’re quoted “it would likely lead to fewer Seaman in the water”, but expressed that a few good ones will likely end up being flushed, and some still might make it through the system and to the ocean.
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