City closes all schools, builds $400 million Juvenile Retention and Education Center

The city of Altruria provides a picture of what the new Juvenile Retention and Education Center will look like.

The city of Altruria provides a picture of what the new Juvenile Retention and Education Center will look like.

A Texas city has opted to close all seven of its schools and build one complex that officials are calling a “Juvenile Retention and Education Center.”

Citing budget cutbacks, the city of Altruria is in the process of building a $400 million holding facility which will house the area’s students. Once completed, all of the school buildings will be torn down; buildings some of which were built just three years ago.

Officials say that the students will then be transferred to the new facility where they will be held for 10 hours each day and will focus on memorizing and learning only administrator approved material.

George Perry, a member of the Altruria school bureau stated “this is a win-win solution for everyone. The children get a new school, the local economy is stimulated and prospers by the new construction and destruction of the old buildings, and by housing them all together we can save even more money by reducing the number of teachers needed. The money saved will allow us to better protect the children by hiring guards. It also has the added bonus of keeping troublemakers off the streets once we implement our after-school program for those who act out.”

Jane Alred, a mother of two, is in support of the measure stating “this will help prepare and condition my children for their future.”

City officials don’t intend to let those lots where the old schools stood go to waste either. They intend to offer economic incentives for mega corporations to develop in the city by giving the companies 10 year tax exemptions, subsidized loans, area monopolies on certain services, and government contracts.

The facility is scheduled for completion by the middle of 2014. City council member Bert Johnson’s contracting and construction company will oversee the building of the complex.

By: George M. Spooner
George may be contacted via email at

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14 thoughts on “City closes all schools, builds $400 million Juvenile Retention and Education Center

  1. Catana June 7, 2013 at 1:19 pm Reply

    I hate to say it, but this is hardly a joke. I can see something similar happening one day, in the not-too-far-off future.

  2. Robert Moore June 7, 2013 at 1:56 pm Reply

    Prepares her children for their future… a state prison….gulag for government dissidents. Education indoctrination facility. ….under lock and key. ???? nice mom.

  3. Alice Buhr June 7, 2013 at 3:31 pm Reply

    Uh, I doubt Altruria provided that picture considering it is Kilmainham Gaol in Ireland. In fact, after a quick Google search, Altruria, Texas does not exist.

    • Catana June 7, 2013 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Alice, you apparently missed that this is a satire site.

  4. Native June 7, 2013 at 5:09 pm Reply

    “Due to budget cutbacks” which usually means money is tight, they are going to spend $400 million on a detention/indoctrination center? Makes perfect sense……….just like I’m sure it made sense to the Nazis.

  5. l June 8, 2013 at 10:41 am Reply

    That looks like a prison! Wtf?

  6. Ty June 9, 2013 at 1:39 am Reply

    This stinks on every possible level. The place looks like a prison, how are they letting the city councilman get the construction contract and business (conflict of interest) and that many students in one place (massive security question and liability for the city). These are only the concerns that come to mind immediately

  7. Cara Waits June 9, 2013 at 5:35 am Reply

    This smacks of something that is not education. Brainwashing? A new “nazi” like order? Big Brother?

  8. Catana June 9, 2013 at 1:50 pm Reply

    It probably isn’t what you intended, George, but the comments are even funnier than the post. They prove what I’ve been thinking for a long time. 1. That most people don’t recognize satire even when it’s obvious. 2. That they don’t bother to read any of the comments before they add their own two cents.

  9. don P June 9, 2013 at 8:47 pm Reply

    are you Sure this is satire ?…?…

  10. pictsidhe July 3, 2013 at 5:13 pm Reply

    I’m in the UK, our schools are already turning into prison camps. 8 foot fences topped with barbed wire is pretty normal now. It’s for ‘safety’. Don’t they realise how much more dangerous it is to get over something like that to sneak out for a cigarette or a fondle? And I used to think hawthorn hedges were bad…

  11. David July 10, 2013 at 9:33 am Reply

    The Onion…

  12. Marq August 26, 2013 at 4:34 pm Reply

    Oh, this is just TOO FUNNY!!!

    ESPECIALLY the comments of those who didn’t bother to read that this is a SATIRE SITE!

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