Why We Returned Our Adorable Baby to the Hospital

baby

My fiance and I did the unthinkable: We returned our 5-month-old baby to the hospital despite the fact that our family loved her and thought she was adorable. Continue reading

Christian and black protesters arrested after theater altercation

crime scene

A group of Christians and black protesters are behind bars after an altercation at a movie theater.

It began during a sold-out airing for the newly released film “Straight Outta Compton” when a small group of people began talking loudly and using profanity during the movie. The group then got into a verbal altercation with another group who began to complain before telling the loud group that they would “pray for them.” That group then stood up in their seats and began reciting prayers towards the direction of the first group. Continue reading

President’s secret memo leaked about planned illegal exit party and pardons

A secret memo concerning President Obama’s plans to throw an illegal party his final night in the White House has surfaced. Continue reading

Agents raid hair-dresser’s home over bad haircut, find marijuana

hairAgents raided a Texas woman’s home due to a tip-off from a customer who was not happy with their haircut.

State licensing requirements maintain that a cosmetologist may only perform services in a licensed and regulated environment which is separate from living spaces. The complaint alleged that the woman, 32-year-old Jasmin Daley, was operating an underground hair cutting and styling business. Continue reading

Local political activist group achieves success through no effort

A local political activist group has been accomplishing big things by holding monthly meetings and talking at one another about their political problems. Continue reading

2014 Super Bowl to feature Predator Drone demonstration

predator droneThe NFL announced today that they would be expanding the 2014 Super Bowl halftime show to include a predator drone demonstration. Continue reading

Women with tattoos have ruined dating forever

DEAR ABBY: I recently went on a first (and last) date with a “gentleman.” He ordered himself a beer and a prime rib dinner. He never asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink. As flabbergasted as I was, I have a theory: Men today are different from those of the past, and my guess it’s because the pierced and tattooed gals today speak and act like sailors, therefore ruining it for the rest of us. Am I right? — PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

Dear Puzzled,

It would hard for someone to be more right than you are, because the honest truth is that when women—we use the term loosely, as we must—get tattoos and body piercings, they prevent you from being able to order food at a restaurant. These thoughtless, body-defiling tarts think little of how their actions will affect other people who rely on them for the ability to read a menu and speak to a server. Continue reading

Environmental organization seeks to make Santa more eco-friendly through regulation

coalA national environmentalist group is lobbying the government for new regulations on Christmas advertising in an attempt to make Santa more eco-friendly.

The Organization for Environmental Progress, or OEP, has submitted proposed regulations to congress which would change the way advertisements portray Santa Clause by restricting references to him giving out coal as a present. Continue reading

Two friends forget conversation, retrieve it from police in FOIA request

After a night of drinking and brainstorming great ideas, two locals forgot to write any of their thoughts down and were at a loss the next day when trying to remember what they talked about. Being resourceful though, they quickly devised a way to retrieve their seemingly lost conversation.

The two headed up to the Altruria Police Department and through a public information request, were able to get copies of recordings done by the department’s eavesdropping division. Continue reading

Pimps organize to protest legalizing prostitution

sex-workers-rights

In an attempt to secure their economic interests, pimps across the country are organizing to protest and lobby against efforts to legalize prostitution.

“It’s hard for a pimp out there!” stated A Pimp Named Slipback. “We can’t be having bitches running their own lives; what about us hard working pimps who provide turf security? We deserve our cut too. I mean, I hit my hoes a lot less than other pimps; and those who have to work for the gangs, well lets just say my bitches are in paradise. My working conditions are far better than others” he exclaimed. Continue reading