Obama to meet and personally arm Syrian rebels with special ‘first gun’

Obama on arming Syrian rebels: "It will be different this time, I promise!"

Obama on arming Syrian rebels: “It will be different this time, I promise!”

President Obama will be moving forward with plans to arm Syrian rebels after congress gave its approval last month.

In a statement released by the White House, Obama is very optimistic about the move stating “I know that every time we’ve done something like this before, it has backfired on us, but this time will be different!”

Sources close to the president have stated that while Obama acknowledges that every time the US has armed a foreign resistance group and the weapons and often the group have come back to be used against the US, this will ensure economic success by guaranteeing the military industrial complex will have orders to fill for the foreseeable future.

The multi-billion dollar deal is expected to make the country’s economic indicators look like progress is being made while doing absolutely nothing to actually help lessen economic woes. Military contractors are looking forward to funding their third vacation homes while laying off another round of employees in order to boost their stock performance.

Due to the emergency situation, Obama plans to waive all background checks for those receiving the guns. There will be no ammunition capacity restrictions either as he claims “these restrictions would only hamper the rebels’ efforts to defend themselves. Obama will personally present the very first gun to the Syrian rebels.

Many Americans support the move, expressing great approval of borrowing more money to fund the rebels with guns and ammunition, though they remain split on whether any money should be spent on projects here at home. A majority agree that they have no concerns about the $16 trillion in debt the federal government owes nor do they mind that the Federal Reserve’s expansion of the money supply to fund this indebted spending spree devalues the money in their checking accounts.

A recent poll of adolescents who expected to join the military later on in life expressed content with the great possibility of being shot at with these weapons being sent overseas.

A proud parent who expects their 8 year old son to join the military when he turns 18 stated “this is the price we pay to be free, so I absolutely support it.”

No word yet on when Obama plans to militarily intervene in Syria, but many people are all too happy about the recent birth of a new monarch in England.

By: George M. Spooner
Contact George via email at TribuneHeraldNews@gmail.com

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  2. […] The source the Guardian cites for that tidbit—which, it should go without saying, is 100% untrue—is the website the Tribune Herald. Somewhat legit-sounding URL aside, that is a parody news website that runs on a basic WordPress template, has 75 followers on Twitter, and includes stories with other headlines like, “Obama to meet and personally arm Syrian rebels with special ‘first gun.'” […]

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