Federal officials to force new recommended .001 intoxication limits on states

drunk-drivingThe federal government recommended today that states lower the legal driving limit of intoxication to .001 blood alcohol content after being pressured by Mothers Against Intoxicated Driving “MAID.”

“We oppose anyone driving while impaired for any reason” said MAID spokesperson Clara Walker. She further stated “anyone who would oppose this sensible new limit of .001 is simply a supporter of drunk driving.”

Federal officials plan to force the new recommended limit on stated by attaching the regulation to receiving highway funds. Being that the United States constitution does not grant the federal government jurisdiction over the matter, officials have devised a way to circumvent this by pledging to withhold highway funding from states unless they implement the regulation.

Local resident Sheila McCurry, mother of four, stated that she opposed lowering the limit, stating “I weigh 120 pounds, if I have just one drink with dinner, I can’t drive home because I’m then legally intoxicated, even though I’m not actually impaired.”

Bob Walters, the town drunk, stated that he was in favor of the measure because “it would give me a better chance of not getting caught since the police are having to spend more time arresting people due to the lowered limit.”

NYPD Chief of Police Dalton Driver expressed enthusiasm upon hearing of the new proposal, saying “with these new limits we can keep the roads safer and the budgets bigger with all of the new money the law will bring in from fines and court fees.”

Head Administrators of the nation’s prison system have also shown support of the measure, citing the need for increased cheap labor.

No word yet on when or if the new rule will go into effect.

By: George M. Spooner
George may be contacted via email at tribuneheraldnews@gmail.com

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6 thoughts on “Federal officials to force new recommended .001 intoxication limits on states

  1. Passion for Progress May 15, 2013 at 9:51 pm Reply

    This new limit is pretty extreme, This would mean you cant have a single drink when out at the bar. This sounds pretty fascist to me o be honest, like a police state. The dinning industry in many places will go under due to less business and the tax payer will have to pay for all the added litigative procedures. I believe the existing limit is pretty fair and not the problem…

  2. Daryl Revok May 16, 2013 at 12:02 am Reply

    Looks like there having a labor shortage in the private prison industrial complex…better create some new criminals.

  3. Matthew B Thomas May 16, 2013 at 2:21 am Reply

    This is a joke, right? Seriously, is this satire like The Onion?

    • B Christina May 16, 2013 at 10:29 pm Reply

      Yes. Its says so right under the “tweets” section.

  4. rich thomas May 16, 2013 at 12:49 pm Reply

    these fucking bastards. its all about control. and revenue. nothing about making hi ways safe. well, they will withold federal funds? hahaha stupid fuckers. so will we!! we won’t pay them son of a bitches. it works two ways. retards. like cutting their own throats.

  5. Shawn June 11, 2013 at 10:53 am Reply

    You are all idiots this is a fake publication…….just shows me way it’s called texass!

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