The federal government recommended today that states lower the legal driving limit of intoxication to .001 blood alcohol content after being pressured by Mothers Against Intoxicated Driving “MAID.”
“We oppose anyone driving while impaired for any reason” said MAID spokesperson Clara Walker. She further stated “anyone who would oppose this sensible new limit of .001 is simply a supporter of drunk driving.”
Federal officials plan to force the new recommended limit on stated by attaching the regulation to receiving highway funds. Being that the United States constitution does not grant the federal government jurisdiction over the matter, officials have devised a way to circumvent this by pledging to withhold highway funding from states unless they implement the regulation.
Local resident Sheila McCurry, mother of four, stated that she opposed lowering the limit, stating “I weigh 120 pounds, if I have just one drink with dinner, I can’t drive home because I’m then legally intoxicated, even though I’m not actually impaired.”
Bob Walters, the town drunk, stated that he was in favor of the measure because “it would give me a better chance of not getting caught since the police are having to spend more time arresting people due to the lowered limit.”
NYPD Chief of Police Dalton Driver expressed enthusiasm upon hearing of the new proposal, saying “with these new limits we can keep the roads safer and the budgets bigger with all of the new money the law will bring in from fines and court fees.”
Head Administrators of the nation’s prison system have also shown support of the measure, citing the need for increased cheap labor.
No word yet on when or if the new rule will go into effect.
By: George M. Spooner
George may be contacted via email at firstname.lastname@example.org