ALTRURIA, Texas — A pair of cannabis missionaries were arrested this past weekend in the small Texas town of Altruria, as the two men now face a possible death sentence for their actions.
The two Caucasian males, who were identified as nothing more than a pair of freelance preachers from Central Texas, face numerous charges after giving a passionate sermon on the lies and propaganda served to us daily as American citizens when it comes to the war on drugs.
“The Bible is crystal clear when it comes to cannabis: all the seeds of this earth are meant for the good. The NIV version of Genesis 1:29 clearly states, ‘Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.” When will this nation wake up? The choice is ours, and unfortunately we as a country have decided to continually lock up those fighting for an end to the war on drugs,” one of the self-proclaimed missionaries told the crowd prior to being arrested.
“Every day, just like those proclaiming a belief in Jesus as their Savior during the times of Christ, followers in this movement who hold an eternal belief in this miracle plant called cannabis are persecuted and executed due to outrageous laws written by ignorant men with the sole intention of destroying believers’ lives while also perusing persistent propaganda in this ongoing war on weed.”
And despite a rowdy applause from the crowd, both men were escorted off the stage in handcuffs after one of them proclaimed, “the only way to win this war is to end this war,” pulling out a pre-rolled joint from his back pocket and lighting up before his arrest.
Police later determined the “joint” was nothing more than pre-rolled tobacco, and following a thorough search, the two men were found to have no illegal substances or products in their possession.
Authorities did confiscate two texts from the group’s possession, a book both men carry with them religiously entitled “The Pot Book,” and local police have refused to return the books to the inmates.
Despite the two’s plea to the public to forgive the officers involved, an organized rally took place outside of the Altruria jail on Sunday evening, featuring a candlelight vigil and sounds of acoustic guitar playing throughout the night.
Both men remain in custody and will likely be transferred to a privately funded prison within the next few days, as a local judge has ruled the pair have violated numerous laws regardless of not being in possession of marijuana.
A lawyer for the men told the Tribune Herald that he plans to appeal the judge’s ruling and hopes to not only spare his clients from a prison sentence, but also a possible death penalty if placed before a conservative judge in Texas.
“My hope is to spare them from not only the bars and stranglehold of our prison system, but also the risk and reality of a possible death sentence for nothing more than teaching the world the truth about this plant,” attorney James Green said. “Until this nation truly wakes up, we will continue to watch cannabis martyrs die by the dozens. It’s time to end this failed and tragic war on drugs.”
If a judge does rule that the pair has violated strict new enforcements that began under George W. Bush and have continued ten-fold under the presidency of Barak Obama, Texas governor Rick Perry would have to sign off on an order for their execution.
However, based on Perry’s past views on marijuana and the war on drugs, his signature is all but a given if the judge rules the men guilty of the charges against them and orders them put to death.
An officer from the Altruria police department, who asked to not be identified due to an ongoing trial, said, “this is a prime example as to why this war must continue; these men were out telling crowds of people, with children in the audience for God-sake, that marijuana is safer than most products we consume on a daily basis. Is that really what we want our kids to be hearing?”
Phone calls to the Altruria chief of police and governor Perry’s office were not returned.
Stay tuned as details from this story continue to unfold.
This article is a satirical production by Scotty Redick. Redick may be reached via email at Scotty.Redick@gmail.com.